Wednesday, December 02, 2009
1. damn annoyed and stressed out.2. bloody body system is seriously fucking screwed.
3. broke and in desperate need of cash
4. turning a year older in a few days and not looking forward to it (as usual)
5. need a new proper full time job
6. craving for beer (again)
7. craving for some happy intoxication
8. for crying out loud i just need some fucking attention
9. distance plus time equals to irrational moodswings
10. DYING FOR SOME TIME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Flew
♫12:21 AM
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
i am having a conversation with my eldest brother.for the first time in my whole entire life, i am actually having a decent conversation about something other than my rebellious-ness, my youth and whathaveyous.
twenty years have passed and we are talking more than we ever have in these two hours.
politics, finance, life.
he is in australia and i am here.
he misses the family while i cannot wait to start out on my own.
though i know, all three of us, will come back within a year of being away.
our parents have raised us up with too much foundation that once we walk away,
we can't help but reverse.
i wonder how it will be, how i will face the challenge of being a solitary ranger, trying to complete academic achievements.
i am going on a ramble here, it's almost as if i am talking to myself, but hey, this blog has been that way since i turned nineteen.
which, in one week, will be one year ago.
i am turning twenty. i am not worrying so much about when i am going clubbing next, or what i will wear when i party tomorrow, or the assignments my modules have dished out, i am not thinking about my depleting social circle, my diminishing period of fun, i am not even thinking about celebrating my birthday.
instead i am thinking about how the politics of this world will change the future generations, how life is such a vicious cycle, that once we're born, we're ironclapped with responsibilities that was never the issue with our grandparents. i am worrying about which part of my brain is analysing the reactions of our behaviour, i am calculating how much i would need to set forth into the future.
when i was sixteen, i felt twenty.
when i am finally going to be twenty, i feel like a twenty nine.
oh i miss being ignorantly young.
but i can't wait. i can't wait to finally be free from this youth.
because one of the things that i know for certain for my future,
is that Shadiq will be with me.
=)
ciao.
- Flew
♫11:23 PM
Sunday, November 22, 2009
EMOTIONAL TURMOILEMOTIONAL TURMOIL
EMOTIONAL TURMOIL
EMOTIONAL MONSTER
EMOTIONAL MONSTER
EMOTIONAL MONSTER
EMOTIONAL MONSTER
- Flew
♫12:32 PM
i am sick.
i am finally finally sick. the strictly no red meat diet without any iron supplements has finally caught up with me.
five years and i am feeling faint all the time.
oh my goodness, i wish you're here beside me, sponging my fucking burning forehead
and feeding me boiling hot fish soup you've cooked, though you don't know how.
i wish you're beside me planting little annoying kisses which i so dearly love.
i wish you're just bloody beside me because i'm becoming cranky and miserable and weak.
i need your beautiful body with its gorgeous hard toned abs, i need it so that i know thinking that
i am feeling weak isn't going to cut anything.
i hate talking on the phone with you, because i hate the silent bits, when we don't know what to say it makes me want to throw the phone away and just have you infront of me
so that we can fill the stupid silent bits with kisses instead.
then you'd get sick too and we can pretend that we're super ancient and fragile.
i am talking a lot of shit in here hoping someone would read.
although i know noone will.
i wish you're beside me, so you can help warm my freezing toes and soles.
i wish i wish i wish.
but at the end of the day, who the hell do we make these stupid wishes to anyways?
and why are they so blind and deaf and redundant?
- Flew
♫12:00 AM
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Sentos with the Shadiq, the sand, the sea and the sun.
You make me feel beautiful.
Psychadelika galore @ Home.
Club jumping with Huds, Val and Madz
Mdnuh, brave firefighter who looks more like a mischievous boy.
- Flew
♫3:39 PM
Thursday, October 29, 2009
HALLO HALLO HALLO!I JUST REALISED THAT AS I GET OLDER, MY ENTRIES BECOME MORE AND MORE....
BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.
So, just to fill up this little dead space with life.
i shall put in pictures!
i am working in the morning tomorrow,
but oh well, who cares!
ok just two for now.
but i promise, more later!!!!
- Flew
♫2:02 AM
Friday, October 23, 2009
So I took the liberty of throwing old dusty stuffs in my cupboard. I threw out expired cosmetics, old pictures, postcards, and with everything else I threw away my past. My eighteen year old self, with the alcohol bottles, my twelve year old self with Harry Potter cut outs, my ten year old self with little hand phone accessories, and also, my sixteen year old self, with the razor cutter.The thing that surprised me was, I was actually hesitant to throw the damn blade away. I looked at it long and hard, heaved a sigh of relief and chucked it into the bag. I don’t really know how and what is going to happen now, but for sure, I will not be bleeding in self pity for a very long time.
I don’t really write like this, it’s been so long since I’ve actually reflected on life or events, and written it in this way. But I guess, sentences form without you really realizing it. I still write with my eyes half closed or glazed over, allowing my mind to take over my fingers.
So the past few months have been pretty damn… interesting. I was asked to join the Singapore Reggae Festival as one of the promotional mascots. We got to ride in a frigging cool limousine, decked with a mini champagne bar, blasting loud reggae music.
I got a job then quitted.
Got another job the got fired.
And now, I'm just having fun with pretty little kids at Vivocity's Kids Lounge.
I get to relive memories all over again, when I pick up barbie dolls and play pretend with them.
It's been fun, and even though I kinda get shit money for this, I'm not complaining.
I'd rather do what I do, then go back to sitting infront of the damn laptop for six to eight hours a day.
yech!
Life has definitely turned itself around.
I don't really go out as much as I should, I stay home or meet Shadiq whenever I get an off-day.
Total switch off, I say. Time is so much more valuable, once you start to realise it.
I get frustrated, still, to know that what I have always wanted to do is hindered by things I cannot control.
But I am not giving up, I still want to fly, I still want to travel, see the world, taste the cultures.
I still want to study after I have gained enough experience to write a book, still want to delve into literature and psychology.
Dreams and fantasies versus time makes everything more real.
Even though Shadiq makes everything else pretty much surreal.
=)
His three day birthday celebration was whacked. It was what I have been yearning for,
the sun, the sea, and the sand. And a whole night with only him.
To fall asleep to his scent, to wake up to his eyes.
You make me a very happy girl, you know that?
Well, I'm running out of sentences.
Til the next.
Ciao.
- Flew
♫1:01 AM
Monday, October 05, 2009
Oh Shadiq.Oh sweet, handsome, quiet Shadiq.
When I see you, standing there waiting for me.
I am overwhelmed by passion intensified by your waiting arms.
All I want to do is to run to you, hold your face near and whisper your name over and over again.
I touch you profusely, because you are real. You are not a fantasy lover I made up in my head, wishful thinking. You are not going to disappear when I turn around, something definite.
We might still be young in the eyes of others, but honestly, what do they know?
What do they know of us and of our lives before?
I rest my head on your shoulders, kissing your neck whenever it brushes my lips.
Do you know how much your warmth comforts me?
How I wish I can engulf myself and reside within your smell and embrace.
I listen to your breathing, slow and steady guiding me away from fear and pain lifting me right off the ground and into another dimension altogether
This seems like it's too good to be true, but I am not giving this up, for anything.
You're a piece of perfection made just right for me.
Athena.
- Flew
♫7:15 PM
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Letter to SelfDear you,
I am glad I am your lover. I am glad I am your partner. I am thankful to
God that I am yours. You are a beautiful river running its course.
I just wanted to take the time, to let you know that whatever happens, you are
still my magic. I am captivated by your grace.
When you talk about the things you love, or about the things you have learnt from and about, your eyes are alight with fire and passion.
When you walk down the streets, you pretend that you are walking down a
runway, oblivious to what others might make of you.
You want to tell everybody, anybody can walk with their heads held high, because they
deserve the confidence.
When you smile, your eyes twinkle with cheekiness and mischief, but at the
same time, they speak of compassion and love.
Whenever you listen to a piece of music, you would get into a silly trance that amuses me everytime.
I admire your will and strength to get through the days without resignation.
Sometimes I see you so exhausted, so frail. I would just want to hold you close and shower you with kisses. I would do anything, to lie beside you, and watch you sleep.
And when your eyelashes flutter, to allow your eyes to meet mine, I would smile.
I would touch your face, and hold it firmly, so that you are aware, that that is how I will always
want to treat you. Firmly but gently.
You are special in your little small innocent ways.
The world has been harsh on you, all those years of suffering.
But you have pulled through with scars that heal faster than they were created.
Sometimes, when I look at you, your head is always in the clouds. It seems that the pretty images in your head captivates you more then what surrounds you.
I would never want to part my eyes away from your face. Your eyes, relates a story to me, everytime I look into them. Sometimes I get lost, reading the words you have written to me.
When you write, you immerse yourself in a beauty I can never explain. Your half closed eyes,
your slightly parted lips, your deep breathing.
Writing has always been your meditation. Your escape.
When you smoke, even though I dislike it, because it harms you, I cannot help but stare at how the smoke swirls out from your lips, dancing, flowing, disappearing. When the last bit of grey vanishes, you would always smile, and close your eyes.
Is it because you are relieved, that there is something that makes you believe in unlimited movements?
Like I said, I can never comprehend the thoughts that run through your head, neither can I understand what the small things you do, means.
But I know, I can always realise, relish and appreciate you.
You are beautiful love.
Don't ever forget that.
Sincerely,
Athena.
- Flew
♫12:20 PM
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
dear boy,yesterday you took my hand and asked me with your eyes,
to be with you forever, the intricate designs within called out and screamed purity
and grace, i was enchanted, i was captivated.
immerse yourself in the beauty that none other can provide.
this is not what they call normal.
this is not what they call typical.
this is not what others can destroy.
this is not a rollercoaster ride to be taken with seatbelts.
this is a ride, we know we will never fall out of.
watch, just watch.
the speeding stars,
finding their way back home.
don't blink honey.
don't turn around.
it's not too soon, it has never been too soon.
i am sure of this. i know we both are.
listen, just listen.
to the rising tempo of the waves,
to the climaxing screeches of the guitars.
breath, just breathe.
inhale the untouched oxygen, the fairy dust.
hold me, just hold me honey.
hold me like you are falling off a plane,
hold me like your life depended on it.
because i know mine does.
from tonight and from forever,
you have my hand.
and my heart.
i love you.
- Flew
♫3:48 PM
Monday, September 28, 2009
five yearsi am happy that you are happy.
your contentment is my relief.
it has been a long ride, an exhausting read.
i am glad you turned the last page with a sigh.
when you stood up to place the book on the shelf,
where dust had begun to gather,
i smiled.
finally, you realise that the enchantment you were seeking for does not befall on me.
finally, you can walk away without turning back.
i am going to give you the respect you have always deserved.
peace and serenity that i know i do not provide.
especially towards your raging heart.
no matter how hard it is, to not dial your number.
to not ask for any favours.
no matter how weird it is, that my saturdays are not spent with you,
releasing pent up angst about work and life,
i am not going to bother you.
you are entitled.
to a life without anymore obscurity.
good luck, soldier.
=)
- Flew
♫11:08 AM
Monday, September 14, 2009
honestly, some people have got to get real.wake up dude. wake up.
- Flew
♫11:21 AM
Saturday, September 05, 2009
crystalline eyesafter weeks of being an angry wreck,
you took my hand and transported me to a place only we know.
you filled the silence with peace.
you kept quiet while i tried to find myself again,
and you embraced me when i did.
you did not ask, did not push, did not force.
you just waited.
you believed in me, you believed that even though it was almost impossible,
i would soften my heart, kill the depression, and throw away the disappointment.
you knew i would come to realise that it doesn't really matter, as long as,
i know i am doing the right thing for myself.
and you knew Athena would come back.
you didn't give up, didn't walk away.
thank you, Shadiq. thank you so so so much.
- Flew
♫1:21 AM
receptionists/administrators/secretaries in singapore are bloody rude, and amateur.
honestly, who in the world gives them the right to decide what's good for the company if they can't even transfer a simple call?
sheesh.
this whole week was messed up.
i lost control over shitloads of things.
i am still kicking my head for falling in too deep.
i also headbutted my decisions without thinking much about the consequences.
now i am responsible for things i am not even sure of.
delving into graphic designing has never crossed my mind.
it has always been a hobby, something to fill up the void whenever i cannot write.
but apparently, it's something i should take very very very seriously now.
=)
thank you God, for the opportunity.
i don't want to say much, i fear things won't work out.
but if you are free on the 17th of October, and if you like bloody good music,
then.. please come down for the Singapore Reggae Festival.
it's 68bucks til the 3rd of October,
and Shaggy, Rita Marley, Shank, Steel and more will be gracing Singapore with their presence.
let loose and skank i say!
=)
- Flew
♫1:04 AM
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
i have not been online for almost a week.there's nothing to look forward to, by being online.
reality is the only thing i have now.
reality is my life now.
i came to realise that alcohol was what set me off before.
set off the depression, the panic attacks.
i retreat deeper into my shell every time i drink too much.
i wake up thinking that the sun's warmth is too harsh,
is too bright, is too uncomfortable.
i live days wishing i'd rather be asleep forever than to open my eyes every morning.
i was so young. so stupid.
i wasted my youth by drinking it all away.
i admit i was addicted to alcohol. i would live days wishing for the weekend,
so i can escape from my deary memories.
it took me five years to admit this is my doing, my fault.
i could have stopped, but i didn't want to.
i could have avoided the consequences, but i didn't want to.
yesterday was painful.
it was painful to see the anxiety on their faces, to hear the worry in his voice.
my body has been rejecting my addiction to escape for years,
it's just that i was so ignorant.
so foolish.
but i have come to understand, that i cannot do this anymore,
i cannot put my health, my body, myself and most importantly, him, through this anymore.
he does not deserve to pay the price for my stupidity and ignorance.
so from today, i call it quits.
i have had enough of enjoying myself childishly.
i am nearing twenty. although everybody else is still embracing their youth,
i am ready to embrace the future, the responsibility, the burdens.
i love life. and i don't ever want to fuck it up ever again.
and i love you, Shadiq. so much, too much.
thank you for holding me so tightly, yesterday, and for not letting go of me.
like all the others in the past have.
you deserve better than this. so i will be better.
i swear.
- Flew
♫10:22 PM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
dear boy,i love you. goodness gracious, i really really do.
there's nothing evil hidden in this fairytale.
i am feeling unpoetic today, forgive me.
i just woke up from a 12 hour slumber.
in which i kept dreaming about your crystalline eyes.
i am in awe. they're like stained glass, pure and untouched.
like diamonds.
i want to wake up to them, every single day.
i want to able to stare at them, til i fall asleep.
i am glad, i am a partial owner.
and i can't wait for the day when i can have them forever.
athena.
- Flew
♫7:43 PM
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
i can never ever ever have straight hair.yeck.
here's three pretty odious stories to charm your day.
if you think you've done stupid things, think again...
so me and mom decided to have some girly time last friday.
she made a facial mask for me while i painted her nails.
i sloshed the thing all over my face, and walked around the house like a blind person, because, being the person that i am, i sloshed the mixture all over my eyes too.
so i couldn't see where i was going, right?
i kept banging into chairs and tables while making my way to the living room.
and when i reached the living room...
guess what i was trying to do?
watch television.
*
i text messaged Shadiq to call me as soon as he sees my text..
normal people would put the phone back on the table and wait for the call, right?
i..... placed the phone on my ear, and thought to myself..
why isn't there a dial tone?
mind you, i did that two times.
*
i was eating chicken the other day, and as usual, the debri on my plate was full of chicken bones.
i got up to wash the dishes.
i threw the chicken bones in the sink,
and .....
left my plate in the trash can.
THANK YOU THANK YOU!
that's all for today's update on Athena's prevailing sense of sense.
- Flew
♫1:59 AM