" [ BlackRoSeS / AthenA ] --

2011-05-15T12:18:00.002+08:00

you. it is and will always be you.

2011-05-10T02:53:00.001+08:00

all messed up and no where to go.

2011-04-27T15:52:00.002+08:00

how could you? stay silent and stoned. distant and cold.

after all that i have said, all that hurt,

are you tired, exhausted of this fight that never seems to be victorious one way or the other?

should i surrender and raise the flag of defeat? you know i am aye close to reaching out for it.

see, for a hundred and one days, devotion and dedication has been committed. and for the other hundred and one days? tell me, what has been done?

you cannot expect a human being to feel contented with surface satisfaction. all that you have done, has been skimming through the waves.

like a bloody onion, you need to tear apart the layers to get to the core. to find the complexities and to analyse the complications.

but no.

never.

never diving.

never digging.

never ever fucking peeling.

never ever fucking prying.

never ever fucking probing.

2011-04-27T15:33:00.001+08:00

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

2011-03-09T12:33:00.003+08:00

then i'd get bored, and tired. i don't really know why i do it, time and time again. i'd say i've stopped and something would happen. and the veil would cover my eyes again.

drenched and cold, i'd start having sleepless nights. i know this, because i am awake all the time. but i don't know this, because i don't seem to do anything to stop it. i wish i would be stronger, or that i would try harder. it's fucked up in every sense of the word.

for 6 years, in and out. never really grounded, never really flying. just sort of floating around like a bloody ghost, aimless in every direction. i hate it.

i wish to destroy everything i have dreamt of.

i wish to destroy something beautiful.

2011-03-08T11:51:00.002+08:00

i've been busy.

time spent at work takes a whole week, from when the sun rises, to when everyone is fast asleep.

i like it.

and when it's finally an off day from the chaos at work, i am with the one person that takes it all away with a simple hug.

i like it.

and even if that person is busy with his work, and i am left all alone by myself,

i like it.

no, i love it.

so, i've been busy.

and i like it that way.

2011-01-25T18:54:00.002+08:00

i would delve deeper into the pages of inescapable dreams. they are my comfort. i find solace and peace, away from reality. every so often, i take my leave from this world.

where do i go? where should i go?

i yearn to touch the silver trees. i yearn to bask in the mystical moon's rays. i yearn to dip my feet in the icy stream. i yearn to feel the grains of sand in my hands.

if you could, leave me be. leave me alone.

i need neither of you, not now.

again and again, repetition of similar nightmares.

when will this end?

how should this end?

2010-12-10T01:15:00.000+08:00

hello ongkara.
i finally have you on my wrist.
and you are beautiful.

2010-11-27T11:02:00.002+08:00

this is tiring.

2010-09-02T22:24:00.002+08:00

hi.
i've missed you.
i've missed your long spidery fingers, the veins on your arms, your silky tanned skin,
your lovely lips.
i've missed your shampoo smell, your tiny ears, your firm neck.
i've missed you towering over me, kissing my forehead, when i look into your eyes.
i've missed your tall stature, the security you radiate when you are near.
i've missed your fiery passion, and the way your jaw feels beneath my hands when i pull you in.
i've missed your giggle, and your arms around my back.
i've missed the way your eyes glitter like crystals, and the way you sigh, when you look at me.
i've missed you.
come back.

2010-08-24T23:58:00.002+08:00

so..
i was part of the sound crew for this year's baybeats. it was a hell of an experience. one, i don't think anyone could ever dream of going through.
it was tough.
50kg speakers x 10
line array speakers as tall as me
subwoofers which took 4-6 guys to carry
power cables the size of my thighs
fuck.
then there was the performances.
the constant worrying that something will go wrong,
the constant anxiousness that a microphone might fail.
the constant incoming deafness.

but honestly, i wouldn't trade this experience for anything else in the world.
it was wonderful, being on stage with the bands and being able to rock out with them.
even the 3 nights sleeping in the theatre on an armchair, was alright.
every bruise, sunburnt part of my skin, joint pain, scratch, wound was worth it.

knowing now, that this is what i will be doing for the rest of my life, i cannot wait.
i cannot even begin to comprehend the amount of possibilites and rewards i will reap in the future.
i thoroughly enjoy every single bit of the past week and i can't wait to start again.

Thank you God, for allowing me to live my dreams.
for allowing me to believe.

2010-06-27T21:35:00.002+08:00

saturdays i am in love

2010-06-27T21:01:00.004+08:00

if lovers glow astronauts will only see the earth as an illuminescent ball soft and gentle unlike the sun

if this is love, this is life
to search far and wide for years to finally find another spirit tied to your soul
if this is peace, this is heaven
we don't even have to die to reside in God's perfection
if this is happiness, this is death
as only in death will we be truly contented
if this is oxygen, this is intoxication
to the highest degree, we are high and drunk
if this is love, this is beauty.

2010-06-26T11:28:00.001+08:00

i love you.

2010-06-26T11:21:00.001+08:00

comawhite comeback?

=D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D

i can smile forever.

2010-06-24T00:53:00.002+08:00

shit.

for years i have sat in front of the bedroom window and talked to the moon
comfort beholds the silent illumination there is nothing that will stop me from embracing the night sky days hold too much confusion too much distraction too much noise too much pretentious facades i wonder if we will all die clueless hopeless we don't know who we are anymore the world tells us who we are who we need to be how we have to look we are cradled and coo-ed like idiot babies where is the conspiracy where is the originality who are you why are you here who created you little ingrate gaia is decaying slowly wasting away and here you are contributing filth hate and crime the world is unbecoming to how the devil has always planned his blueprint is finalized and we are his little worker bees

little worker bees little worker brains little worker gratification.

2010-06-20T17:36:00.002+08:00

I hold on to cold nights like this, where emptiness is solace and silence is it's cave.
I yearn to cradle your head and watch you blink. To watch your eyelids flutter, to listen to you inhale peace.
I want to be cradled, I want to hear your heartbeat, I want to watch the veins on your arms constrast against your smooth tanned skin. I want to be enveloped within your warmth and be guarded against the world's evils.

There will never be someone who makes me feel as absolute as you.
Stains and colours, auras and halos. You are an angel.
And I cannot wait to be re-united with you again.

Shadiq, my love.

2010-05-31T22:16:00.000+08:00

I like
I like pretty things, like paisley designs, and colourful psychadelic trips. I like black pens and paper. I like the moon, and how it shines through the curtains when I am drunk with insomnia. I like storm clouds and cold, though I am not tolerant to low temperatures. I like walking endlessly while listening to intelligent music, it makes me feel God created bands like them especially for me. I like Buddhism and practical Hinduism, I think they are the only two religions that got it right. I like my boyfriend naked, when I can trace the veins that pop out of his skin, after we’ve had vigorous sex. I am starting to like sex (I used to abhor it), because only he can make me soar through heaven and back. I like silence, and silent people. They are charming and they make me want to plug a cable from their brains to a projector, just so I can see what goes on in their minds. I like writing, although I write like a juvenile, I seem incoherent with my sentences. I like my hair, though it annoys the fuck out of me, and feels like straw. I like ecstasy (the drug) because it taught me so much about spirituality and reaching beyond the highest plane of the mind. I like yoga, I like the calmness you must instill within yourself to embrace the pain. I like the bohemian/hippie look because only certain people can pull it off, and I like to laugh at people who try too hard. I like to switch my own personal blackbox on, as I can control the images to my liking. I like alot of things but two things that I like most are ;

myself, because I’ve made the effort to change and love me for me.

and God. Not the God that you know, but my own personal Almighty. Without this belief and love for Him, I would be worthless and lost, especially in such an urban, concrete, shit filled jungle that we call The World.

2010-05-30T21:56:00.001+08:00

i wonder, why don't you give up?

2010-05-08T16:36:00.000+08:00

i am praying for rain.
let the heavens pour, let it cry.
there was a mug of beer infront of me yesterday, i didn't even sip.
i took a sniff, and was overcome by longing.
but i didn't do it.
i will get over this stupid stance. it is difficult.
i am writing like a juvenile. my thoughts are short and sweet.
esplanade has been good to me. i love what i am doing. i love everything that has been happening.
i am excited for the future.
i no longer find beauty in the smoke swirls.
i abhor it. despise the physical weakness that comes with relief.
i am going to try.
i am going to stop.
i will do it.
i will be clean from all chemicals soon.
i cannot wait.
thank you God.
for the strength and the peace.
thank you.

2010-04-30T12:06:00.000+08:00

relapsed.
issues. big fucked up issues.
embedded deep inside.
self destruct.
a ticking bomb.

2010-04-08T02:14:00.002+08:00

*BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE*
am so super sexcited for tomorrow night.
finally! some 'girly' liberation!
i haven't done anything like this in a long time.
shall get better, well rested by tomorrow.
no matter what.

this is such a random and unnecessary post.

*BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE*

2010-03-30T13:08:00.002+08:00

i am awake and ready for what awaits me in May.

2010-03-30T12:52:00.002+08:00

i remember a time when it was raining like this, dreary, grey, cold but beautiful.
the raindrops were crystals melting upon landing.
i smiled at the pretty clouds, illuminated white, free from their load.
there was nothing else, that can compare to that morning.
everything was new.
was brilliant.

was pure.

2010-03-30T12:44:00.001+08:00

Marla, you big tourist.

2010-03-29T01:04:00.002+08:00

different place
different time
hold me down
hope will found
follow me
if you are so frequently in love

*

i guess the best part about growing up, is growing up.
to learn to discover to blush to curse to embrace
to lose to cry to hurt to be hurt
to love
to live

*

another anti fullstop entry forgive me i am addicted the words are tumbling stumbling out of my mind this clarity amazes me overwhelming recognition of what is to happen in the future i am excited i am glad that everything worked out that i am no longer lost and confused it was a dark and dank place i did not like it neither should you but it made me realize that nothing would ever stay hopeless
if you do not give up on yourself
on your dreams

2010-03-28T15:59:00.002+08:00

gute nacht Engel

2010-03-25T10:56:00.002+08:00

thank you dearest God for my family, my beautiful mother, my loving father, my patient brothers thank you dearest God for introducing Shadiq to me so that my life can indeed be turned around thank you dearest God for my caring friends even though we don't meet as often thank you for letting them stay in my life thank you dearest God for the job the opportunity for the awakening thank you dearest God for bringing me to life for allowing me to breathe every single second for letting me live

thank you dearest God,

for loving me.

2010-03-19T14:01:00.002+08:00

i want to stand in the middle of the sea, amidst the violent waves,
lost and confused, a single spot amongst the dark canvas.

i want to be cigarette smoke, beautiful and filled with grace,
dissipating through your fingers, toxic and gentle.

i want to be a single raindrop caressing you tracing the flaws upon your face
purifying you from the grime of the concrete city.

i want to be an emaciated body, rid of plasticity and superficiality,
showing the world what we are really made of.

i want to be that girl standing on a stage, singing with conviction, that life depends on intelligent
compositions, of meaningful conversations, of reasons, of spirit, of love, of peace.

i want to be black ink, staining the flawless white paper, reminding you that nothing can ever stay untouched.

i want to be your angel, silent and wise in white, sitting on a pedestal made of stars
i wouldn't say anything i wouldn't do anything
i would wait for you to come onto me.
i would wait for you to reach the top.

i would wait to see if you are real.

2010-03-19T13:47:00.002+08:00

dearest Ef, Yndi Halda, 65daysofstatic and Olafur Arnalds,

please don't ever fade away from me.
i need you on rainy days, on days where i stare at huge vessels floating me by,
on days that i know would bring me back to my senses.
your music, your compositions are beautifully thought of, are perfectly made.
thank you for existing.
thank you for sharing.
thank you.

sincerely,
your greatest appreciative listener,
Athena

2010-03-10T12:50:00.000+08:00

i have been home for the past two days without doing anything.
it feels surreal and annoying.

unexpectedly, i landed three different jobs.
each with beautiful prospects of making it big.
but i gave one up, just like that yesterday.
i'm still fickle about which to take, even though the heart has been saying photography.
the pay isn't as big, the prospects isn't as large, the company isn't as internationally recognized,
but the place, the people, the whole thing seems like a nicely wrapped present, complete with a bow.

theatre has always been my dream, my passion, and to have gotten the opportunity to get an interview for that, seems too good to be true.
but then again, is it really what i want to do in the future? what if i decide halfway that, i don't like the arts anymore.

decisions decisions.

then there's the part where i still want to fly around the world, and the part where i want to continue studying.
when i was jobless, i was really pathetically jobless.
now?
i am out of my wits end trying to decide.

ARGH!
HELP!

2010-02-26T03:05:00.002+08:00

time

Catch up with Sabbaby was great, I really needed the girly giggles and bitching sessions.

Thank you for having me over =D

next time, we'll go swimming k!!

ILY!

and the girls meet up just now.

how i miss carefree days. mornings of loud screaming laughter,

of sleepy confessions, of current redundant topics.

i wish i am back in school. i would do it all over again if i could.

but then again, we're all growing up, so fast.

though i know, i would grow old with them.

i love you girls.

2010-02-25T02:48:00.002+08:00

arschloch

oh hello marla singer have you made a comeback you sick little quiet desperation you
black holes tiny inferior black holes reckons meaning to insignificant reasons
pieces of waste floating around the toilet bowl rebelling against the flow stubborn against the bleach
don't let the sharks bite off your toes when you dip it in to feel the warmth
but then again, there was never any sharks, it was fucking piranhas!

rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge
rebootreconnectrecharge

run.

2010-02-22T13:08:00.002+08:00

explosions within the heart takes a flying leap to never return
i am lost without a map would you be so kind to point the directions
i will never follow i will never tire i will walk for miles in the hot sun
just to end this scared mission it is not auspicious it is not even favourable
i don't like it neither do you so stop stop being so attached to the noose
stop touching it stop straddling it stop treating it like your lover
it is death you are dancing with it is death you are inviting
but as it is an affinity is affirmative infatuation you may call it
selfish i will name it dangerous they will say of it
but this rope this tightly wound rope

would it set me free?
would it?

2010-02-22T12:16:00.001+08:00

drinks with the Artistes on tuesday,
Sabbaby on wednesdays,
the Girls on thursday.
FINALLY some liberation!

2010-02-16T12:16:00.002+08:00

this is the beginning.
of the end.

i was reigning.
i was queen.
i was doing so damn well with the crown on top of my head.

but now?

i am falling down, face flat.
i had a dream where i had a brutal accident,
i was broken and torn hips down,
i was bloody and ugly.
my legs were stitched like a rag dolls', a damned shame,
instead of the prize it once were.
why.

why???

2010-01-27T13:58:00.003+08:00

all work and no play
this is getting annoying. i don't even have time to scrub myself when i shower.
i've been neglecting myself full force and i don't even know why i put up with such dismay
i miss time
and i definitely miss lying down next to you for hours, just tracing your face
while the sun beats down on our bodies, while the waves crash over our toes.
i don't want to be stuck in this routine it's redundant i don't like what i am doing
and i don't want to prolong it

can we stop for a moment and take a breather?
watch the clouds pass and the stars twinkle?
remember the day we saw a shooting star?
i want it all
i need it all

i miss you.

2010-01-19T00:37:00.002+08:00

i am an attraction.
a tourist spot that you cannot get enough of.
when you fly back to where you came from,
you will think of me.
and it drives you crazy, because i will always be there,
sparkling and attentive, alluring and seductive.
don't you wish, that you have a bomb destructive enough
that air will turn to dust?
but how can you destroy something so beautiful?
maybe with that power alone i am satisfied to pull the strings
over and over and over and over and over
again.

2010-01-15T23:39:00.002+08:00

i am getting delusional.
i am going insane.
i have gone through two weeks without proper sleep.
have i slept at all?
i am trying to remember the last time i fell asleep.
properly asleep.
was it last year?
i am a space monkey.
i am tyler durden.
i am marla singer.
only there's no one to call me and put down the phone.
only there's no xanax so i can accidentally attempt suicide.
the tragedy is, i don't die.
i just don't.
neither do i hit rock bottom.
do i have anything? or nothing?
which is better?
i float around like smoke on air.
dissipate?
or disappear?
two weeks.
no sleep.
am i even alive.
am i even here?
somebody.
anybody.
nobody.

2009-12-31T00:45:00.002+08:00

i resolved to travel. i didn't. the fucking recession left me high and bloody dry.
i resolved to take language classes. i didn't. because i used up all my savings before you could say think twice.
i resolved to get my license by the end of this year. i didn't. financial woes so forth.

i resolved to let my hair grow. i did. and i must say i am fucking proud of how it turned out.
i resolved to lose weight. i did. all 13 fucking kilograms.
i resolved to get a new music player. i did. replaced the beloved microphoto with an ipod touch.
i resolved to reduce the pills. i did. very successfully, i must say.
i resolved to reduce partying. i damn well did that, without any regrets.
i resolved to reduce drinking. hell yes, i did that too.

but the one thing i resolved in the beginning of this year
was to guard my heart, and i didn't. i fell madly in love instead.
=)

part 1 of 09 was a piece of shit, truthfully. i've blurred alot of things out (my way of dealing with ugly memories), but the violent episodes, the crazy tantrums, the screaming, the crying.
oh shit. i am deeply ashamed i was that kind of person.

part 2 of 09 was just as bad, endless intake of pills. chill pills sleeping pills tripping pills. and alcohol. every saturday would end up with beer talk. tequila quickies. jagerbomb sessions. oh and also that one chapter aptly titled 'FUCKING REGRET OF MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE'. talk about overdosing on over.

part 3 of 09?
fucking sweet bliss.
it suddenly hit me that i needn't be that kinda person. i shouldn't. i've dwelled in that little stupid hole of intoxication for far too long. although this is a little too mushy, but Shadiq was the one who grabbed the blindfold and threw it away.

he taught me that grudges are made for the weak, for those who are not strong enough to deal with their demons.
that happiness is within, and that peace is of utmost importance.

alot of things become insignificant once you've reached that phase.
boys? looks? social status? partying? fashion? trends?
fuck. it's the confidence of how you bring yourself forward, that has always mattered.
i can't say i've grown up oddery old fool, wise and brave..
but hey, my life's gotten a whole lot better since.

so hey ho '10. i can't wait for you to start, because on the menu, we've got some Phuket (fingers crossed), some Bali, some Proper Paying Job, and of course, some Maturity.
see ya'll.... next year!
=D

2009-12-22T01:23:00.002+08:00

hello superficial
hello emotional
hello memories
hello entries.

goodbye justifications.
goodbye notifications.
fuck explanations.
fuck expectations.

so we kiss past tenses danke gute nacht and embrace the present guten morgen
du bist mein Engel for when the stars shine their grace, for when the love sets us free
ich vermisse dich even though we have been apart for only hours
how can i ease this yearning for touch for caress for comfort
i have grown dependant on you
dangerously
fragile
ich brauche dich as when we laugh like fools on redbull, i am alive
for as when we dance like addicts on ecstasy, i can breathe,
liberate and fly
oh Engel, ich liebe dich.
für immer

2009-12-22T00:58:00.002+08:00

I LOVE YOU SHADIQ.

I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH.

2009-12-16T00:12:00.004+08:00

just a peek =D

2009-12-15T23:42:00.003+08:00

zoukout was great. not amazing.
i had fun, i did all the things you would do when alcohol liberates your body.
but i still think it's over rated.
it's like a massive gathering of naked flesh and sweaty armpits.
it's like a compliation of puke fragrance, of perspiration scents and of old old old people with hanging beer tummies.

it was my first time, and although it won't be my last (since the boy loves beach parties more than me), i wouldn't go to the extent of spending as much as i did, the next time.
armin was fucken excellent, as usual. i'd want to marry his creativity, and his eyes.
picture overload in facebook.
can't be bothered to do it here, for now.

i'm really looking forward to new years though.
joel's playing and it'll be at cafe del mar.
more sand, more sea, and more sun in the morning
=D=D

dearest erika, i miss you darling.
i miss your embrace and your warmth, though you always leave me shivering with cold sweat
your absence is not appreciated, one bit, but i know it has to be like this, til the day we meet again.
come back to me, soon. i miss you. we all miss you.

i am trying really hard to quit smoking. currently on rollies, since it takes too much time to roll, i'm hoping that soon, i'll just give up and not smoke.
but i think the reason why we can't, is because we want to do it for the money.
for the money we have been wasting, which isn't a big enough motivation.
unless i get smacked in the face with my ever decreasing stamina, i don't think i would ever refuse a fag. oh wells. at least i am not spending 10bucks every two days. i am spending 3bucks every 2 days instead.

i just realised that my social hiatus was detrimental. i have not been out with my friends for MONTHS, and even if i do, it's for a few hours. girly talk deprivation is NOT HEALTHY.
though, i don't find myself having much to talk about.
it's all work and no play now. i am still amazed at how much i have settled down. how i keep thinking 'been there, done that' when others talk about their drunkard flirting/vomitting/ making out phases.
it's scary. i feel old. i don't miss it though, which is the scariest. i thought i would still want to go crazy like that. but hey. thank god for maturity.

i am rambling. there's too many things in my head, there's a bloody good song playing and the words cannot stop tumbling out. there are microscopic brain bits injected in my fingertips.
work tomorrow, work the next day, and the next and the next and the next.
bluaghrhghrhrghrhrgrh.

i shall fuck off now, before somebody calls the mental ambulance.
ciao!

2009-12-13T22:24:00.003+08:00

i've lost the mood for pretty much everything.
maybe it's because i am still too tired, or still too sick.
i haven't had a proper rest day in weeks, and apparently, my mind doesn't seem to give a damn about my body because it's always telling me to go to work.

but my birthday... was epic.
it was amazing. i left work in a temper because it was inching closer to midnight, and i've always hated that feeling. Shadiq had no clue where to bring me, and i couldn't be bothered either.
but he made a suggestion to hang out at Jewel Box, this posh place which sits on top of Mount Faber and overlooks the ocean, the city, the highways, the beautiful bright lights.
So we went up, and when we got to our table, he left. For a pretty damn long time.
I was getting annoyed and he came back just in time for me to wish myself a happy birthday.

Now this is where the magic started. He wished me and kept silent. The live band behind us starting saying that there was a birthday song request for Athena. I looked at him in total shock. No one has ever done that. After they finished playing that little corny song, they moved right on to another special request. To play Lucky by Jason Mraz. for me.
With the stars, and the moon directly overhead, the bright twinkling lights in the distance, the cold breeze, his eyes, just staring at me.... i felt like the luckiest and happiest girl in the whole universe.
He then took out a box which had two gorgeous promise rings, and slipped it on my finger.
That.. to me, was the perfect birthday moment.

But the next day, because it has become a tradition to book a room for the whole day, we went on another episode of being tourists, on the Singapore Flyer, with Shadiq's free tickets, to playing guitar hero. But the greatest thing, of all, to have a room entirely for yourselves?
The late night wrestling competition, the little stupid jokes, the crazy moments of silliness that only the both of you can ever enjoy without other's prying eyes.

Out of all the twenty birthdays I have gone through, this one, takes the boot.
Because it would have been meaningless, without you, Shadiq.
Thank you.

And also, I got a really pretty little music player from mommy and Ari for 308 bucks.
The 8gb Ipod Touch. Kudos to technology, I can now surf the web, as I work.
Woooohoooooooooooooooooooooo!

It took this long, for me to finally update this stupid blackhole of a blog, because I am finally..
finally.. able to sleep in as late as i can tomorrow.
Pictures up, when i am not too lazy.
and another update... on Zoukout later.

ciaooo

2009-12-02T00:21:00.002+08:00

1. damn annoyed and stressed out.
2. bloody body system is seriously fucking screwed.
3. broke and in desperate need of cash
4. turning a year older in a few days and not looking forward to it (as usual)
5. need a new proper full time job
6. craving for beer (again)
7. craving for some happy intoxication
8. for crying out loud i just need some fucking attention
9. distance plus time equals to irrational moodswings
10. DYING FOR SOME TIME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-24T23:23:00.002+08:00

i am having a conversation with my eldest brother.
for the first time in my whole entire life, i am actually having a decent conversation about something other than my rebellious-ness, my youth and whathaveyous.
twenty years have passed and we are talking more than we ever have in these two hours.
politics, finance, life.
he is in australia and i am here.
he misses the family while i cannot wait to start out on my own.
though i know, all three of us, will come back within a year of being away.
our parents have raised us up with too much foundation that once we walk away,
we can't help but reverse.
i wonder how it will be, how i will face the challenge of being a solitary ranger, trying to complete academic achievements.
i am going on a ramble here, it's almost as if i am talking to myself, but hey, this blog has been that way since i turned nineteen.

which, in one week, will be one year ago.
i am turning twenty. i am not worrying so much about when i am going clubbing next, or what i will wear when i party tomorrow, or the assignments my modules have dished out, i am not thinking about my depleting social circle, my diminishing period of fun, i am not even thinking about celebrating my birthday.

instead i am thinking about how the politics of this world will change the future generations, how life is such a vicious cycle, that once we're born, we're ironclapped with responsibilities that was never the issue with our grandparents. i am worrying about which part of my brain is analysing the reactions of our behaviour, i am calculating how much i would need to set forth into the future.

when i was sixteen, i felt twenty.
when i am finally going to be twenty, i feel like a twenty nine.

oh i miss being ignorantly young.
but i can't wait. i can't wait to finally be free from this youth.
because one of the things that i know for certain for my future,
is that Shadiq will be with me.
=)

ciao.

2009-11-22T12:32:00.001+08:00

EMOTIONAL TURMOIL
EMOTIONAL TURMOIL
EMOTIONAL TURMOIL

EMOTIONAL MONSTER
EMOTIONAL MONSTER
EMOTIONAL MONSTER
EMOTIONAL MONSTER

2009-11-22T00:00:00.002+08:00

i am sick.
i am finally finally sick. the strictly no red meat diet without any iron supplements has finally caught up with me.
five years and i am feeling faint all the time.

oh my goodness, i wish you're here beside me, sponging my fucking burning forehead
and feeding me boiling hot fish soup you've cooked, though you don't know how.

i wish you're beside me planting little annoying kisses which i so dearly love.

i wish you're just bloody beside me because i'm becoming cranky and miserable and weak.

i need your beautiful body with its gorgeous hard toned abs, i need it so that i know thinking that
i am feeling weak isn't going to cut anything.

i hate talking on the phone with you, because i hate the silent bits, when we don't know what to say it makes me want to throw the phone away and just have you infront of me
so that we can fill the stupid silent bits with kisses instead.

then you'd get sick too and we can pretend that we're super ancient and fragile.

i am talking a lot of shit in here hoping someone would read.
although i know noone will.

i wish you're beside me, so you can help warm my freezing toes and soles.
i wish i wish i wish.

but at the end of the day, who the hell do we make these stupid wishes to anyways?
and why are they so blind and deaf and redundant?

2009-11-12T15:39:00.002+08:00

Sentos with the Shadiq, the sand, the sea and the sun.

You make me feel beautiful.

Psychadelika galore @ Home.

Club jumping with Huds, Val and Madz

Mdnuh, brave firefighter who looks more like a mischievous boy.

2009-10-29T02:02:00.003+08:00

HALLO HALLO HALLO!

I JUST REALISED THAT AS I GET OLDER, MY ENTRIES BECOME MORE AND MORE....
BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.
So, just to fill up this little dead space with life.
i shall put in pictures!
i am working in the morning tomorrow,
but oh well, who cares!

ok just two for now.
but i promise, more later!!!!

2009-10-23T01:01:00.002+08:00

So I took the liberty of throwing old dusty stuffs in my cupboard. I threw out expired cosmetics, old pictures, postcards, and with everything else I threw away my past. My eighteen year old self, with the alcohol bottles, my twelve year old self with Harry Potter cut outs, my ten year old self with little hand phone accessories, and also, my sixteen year old self, with the razor cutter.

The thing that surprised me was, I was actually hesitant to throw the damn blade away. I looked at it long and hard, heaved a sigh of relief and chucked it into the bag. I don’t really know how and what is going to happen now, but for sure, I will not be bleeding in self pity for a very long time.

I don’t really write like this, it’s been so long since I’ve actually reflected on life or events, and written it in this way. But I guess, sentences form without you really realizing it. I still write with my eyes half closed or glazed over, allowing my mind to take over my fingers.

So the past few months have been pretty damn… interesting. I was asked to join the Singapore Reggae Festival as one of the promotional mascots. We got to ride in a frigging cool limousine, decked with a mini champagne bar, blasting loud reggae music.

I got a job then quitted.
Got another job the got fired.
And now, I'm just having fun with pretty little kids at Vivocity's Kids Lounge.
I get to relive memories all over again, when I pick up barbie dolls and play pretend with them.
It's been fun, and even though I kinda get shit money for this, I'm not complaining.
I'd rather do what I do, then go back to sitting infront of the damn laptop for six to eight hours a day.
yech!

Life has definitely turned itself around.
I don't really go out as much as I should, I stay home or meet Shadiq whenever I get an off-day.
Total switch off, I say. Time is so much more valuable, once you start to realise it.
I get frustrated, still, to know that what I have always wanted to do is hindered by things I cannot control.
But I am not giving up, I still want to fly, I still want to travel, see the world, taste the cultures.
I still want to study after I have gained enough experience to write a book, still want to delve into literature and psychology.
Dreams and fantasies versus time makes everything more real.

Even though Shadiq makes everything else pretty much surreal.
=)
His three day birthday celebration was whacked. It was what I have been yearning for,
the sun, the sea, and the sand. And a whole night with only him.
To fall asleep to his scent, to wake up to his eyes.
You make me a very happy girl, you know that?

Well, I'm running out of sentences.
Til the next.

Ciao.

2009-10-05T19:15:00.002+08:00

Oh Shadiq.
Oh sweet, handsome, quiet Shadiq.
When I see you, standing there waiting for me.
I am overwhelmed by passion intensified by your waiting arms.
All I want to do is to run to you, hold your face near and whisper your name over and over again.
I touch you profusely, because you are real. You are not a fantasy lover I made up in my head, wishful thinking. You are not going to disappear when I turn around, something definite.

We might still be young in the eyes of others, but honestly, what do they know?
What do they know of us and of our lives before?

I rest my head on your shoulders, kissing your neck whenever it brushes my lips.
Do you know how much your warmth comforts me?
How I wish I can engulf myself and reside within your smell and embrace.
I listen to your breathing, slow and steady guiding me away from fear and pain lifting me right off the ground and into another dimension altogether

This seems like it's too good to be true, but I am not giving this up, for anything.
You're a piece of perfection made just right for me.

Athena.

2009-09-30T12:20:00.002+08:00

Letter to Self

Dear you,
I am glad I am your lover. I am glad I am your partner. I am thankful to
God that I am yours. You are a beautiful river running its course.

I just wanted to take the time, to let you know that whatever happens, you are
still my magic. I am captivated by your grace.

When you talk about the things you love, or about the things you have learnt from and about, your eyes are alight with fire and passion.
When you walk down the streets, you pretend that you are walking down a
runway, oblivious to what others might make of you.
You want to tell everybody, anybody can walk with their heads held high, because they
deserve the confidence.
When you smile, your eyes twinkle with cheekiness and mischief, but at the
same time, they speak of compassion and love.
Whenever you listen to a piece of music, you would get into a silly trance that amuses me everytime.

I admire your will and strength to get through the days without resignation.
Sometimes I see you so exhausted, so frail. I would just want to hold you close and shower you with kisses. I would do anything, to lie beside you, and watch you sleep.
And when your eyelashes flutter, to allow your eyes to meet mine, I would smile.
I would touch your face, and hold it firmly, so that you are aware, that that is how I will always
want to treat you. Firmly but gently.

You are special in your little small innocent ways.
The world has been harsh on you, all those years of suffering.
But you have pulled through with scars that heal faster than they were created.

Sometimes, when I look at you, your head is always in the clouds. It seems that the pretty images in your head captivates you more then what surrounds you.
I would never want to part my eyes away from your face. Your eyes, relates a story to me, everytime I look into them. Sometimes I get lost, reading the words you have written to me.
When you write, you immerse yourself in a beauty I can never explain. Your half closed eyes,
your slightly parted lips, your deep breathing.
Writing has always been your meditation. Your escape.

When you smoke, even though I dislike it, because it harms you, I cannot help but stare at how the smoke swirls out from your lips, dancing, flowing, disappearing. When the last bit of grey vanishes, you would always smile, and close your eyes.
Is it because you are relieved, that there is something that makes you believe in unlimited movements?

Like I said, I can never comprehend the thoughts that run through your head, neither can I understand what the small things you do, means.
But I know, I can always realise, relish and appreciate you.
You are beautiful love.
Don't ever forget that.

Sincerely,
Athena.

2009-09-29T15:48:00.002+08:00

dear boy,
yesterday you took my hand and asked me with your eyes,
to be with you forever, the intricate designs within called out and screamed purity
and grace, i was enchanted, i was captivated.

immerse yourself in the beauty that none other can provide.
this is not what they call normal.
this is not what they call typical.
this is not what others can destroy.
this is not a rollercoaster ride to be taken with seatbelts.
this is a ride, we know we will never fall out of.

watch, just watch.
the speeding stars,
finding their way back home.
don't blink honey.
don't turn around.
it's not too soon, it has never been too soon.
i am sure of this. i know we both are.
listen, just listen.
to the rising tempo of the waves,
to the climaxing screeches of the guitars.
breath, just breathe.
inhale the untouched oxygen, the fairy dust.
hold me, just hold me honey.
hold me like you are falling off a plane,
hold me like your life depended on it.
because i know mine does.

from tonight and from forever,
you have my hand.
and my heart.
i love you.

2009-09-28T11:08:00.002+08:00

five years

i am happy that you are happy.
your contentment is my relief.
it has been a long ride, an exhausting read.
i am glad you turned the last page with a sigh.
when you stood up to place the book on the shelf,
where dust had begun to gather,
i smiled.

finally, you realise that the enchantment you were seeking for does not befall on me.
finally, you can walk away without turning back.
i am going to give you the respect you have always deserved.
peace and serenity that i know i do not provide.
especially towards your raging heart.

no matter how hard it is, to not dial your number.
to not ask for any favours.
no matter how weird it is, that my saturdays are not spent with you,
releasing pent up angst about work and life,
i am not going to bother you.
you are entitled.

to a life without anymore obscurity.

good luck, soldier.
=)

2009-09-14T11:21:00.000+08:00

honestly, some people have got to get real.
wake up dude. wake up.

2009-09-05T01:21:00.002+08:00

crystalline eyes

after weeks of being an angry wreck,
you took my hand and transported me to a place only we know.
you filled the silence with peace.
you kept quiet while i tried to find myself again,
and you embraced me when i did.

you did not ask, did not push, did not force.
you just waited.

you believed in me, you believed that even though it was almost impossible,
i would soften my heart, kill the depression, and throw away the disappointment.
you knew i would come to realise that it doesn't really matter, as long as,
i know i am doing the right thing for myself.

and you knew Athena would come back.
you didn't give up, didn't walk away.

thank you, Shadiq. thank you so so so much.

2009-09-05T01:04:00.002+08:00

receptionists/administrators/secretaries in singapore are bloody rude, and amateur.
honestly, who in the world gives them the right to decide what's good for the company if they can't even transfer a simple call?
sheesh.

this whole week was messed up.
i lost control over shitloads of things.
i am still kicking my head for falling in too deep.
i also headbutted my decisions without thinking much about the consequences.
now i am responsible for things i am not even sure of.

delving into graphic designing has never crossed my mind.
it has always been a hobby, something to fill up the void whenever i cannot write.
but apparently, it's something i should take very very very seriously now.
=)
thank you God, for the opportunity.

i don't want to say much, i fear things won't work out.
but if you are free on the 17th of October, and if you like bloody good music,
then.. please come down for the Singapore Reggae Festival.
it's 68bucks til the 3rd of October,
and Shaggy, Rita Marley, Shank, Steel and more will be gracing Singapore with their presence.
let loose and skank i say!

=)

2009-09-02T22:22:00.003+08:00

i have not been online for almost a week.
there's nothing to look forward to, by being online.
reality is the only thing i have now.
reality is my life now.

i came to realise that alcohol was what set me off before.
set off the depression, the panic attacks.
i retreat deeper into my shell every time i drink too much.
i wake up thinking that the sun's warmth is too harsh,
is too bright, is too uncomfortable.
i live days wishing i'd rather be asleep forever than to open my eyes every morning.
i was so young. so stupid.
i wasted my youth by drinking it all away.
i admit i was addicted to alcohol. i would live days wishing for the weekend,
so i can escape from my deary memories.
it took me five years to admit this is my doing, my fault.
i could have stopped, but i didn't want to.
i could have avoided the consequences, but i didn't want to.

yesterday was painful.
it was painful to see the anxiety on their faces, to hear the worry in his voice.
my body has been rejecting my addiction to escape for years,
it's just that i was so ignorant.
so foolish.
but i have come to understand, that i cannot do this anymore,
i cannot put my health, my body, myself and most importantly, him, through this anymore.
he does not deserve to pay the price for my stupidity and ignorance.

so from today, i call it quits.
i have had enough of enjoying myself childishly.
i am nearing twenty. although everybody else is still embracing their youth,
i am ready to embrace the future, the responsibility, the burdens.
i love life. and i don't ever want to fuck it up ever again.
and i love you, Shadiq. so much, too much.
thank you for holding me so tightly, yesterday, and for not letting go of me.
like all the others in the past have.
you deserve better than this. so i will be better.
i swear.

2009-08-23T19:43:00.003+08:00

dear boy,
i love you. goodness gracious, i really really do.
there's nothing evil hidden in this fairytale.
i am feeling unpoetic today, forgive me.
i just woke up from a 12 hour slumber.
in which i kept dreaming about your crystalline eyes.
i am in awe. they're like stained glass, pure and untouched.
like diamonds.
i want to wake up to them, every single day.
i want to able to stare at them, til i fall asleep.
i am glad, i am a partial owner.
and i can't wait for the day when i can have them forever.

athena.

2009-08-19T01:59:00.003+08:00

i can never ever ever have straight hair.
yeck.

here's three pretty odious stories to charm your day.
if you think you've done stupid things, think again...

so me and mom decided to have some girly time last friday.
she made a facial mask for me while i painted her nails.
i sloshed the thing all over my face, and walked around the house like a blind person, because, being the person that i am, i sloshed the mixture all over my eyes too.
so i couldn't see where i was going, right?
i kept banging into chairs and tables while making my way to the living room.
and when i reached the living room...
guess what i was trying to do?

watch television.
*
i text messaged Shadiq to call me as soon as he sees my text..
normal people would put the phone back on the table and wait for the call, right?
i..... placed the phone on my ear, and thought to myself..

why isn't there a dial tone?

mind you, i did that two times.
*
i was eating chicken the other day, and as usual, the debri on my plate was full of chicken bones.
i got up to wash the dishes.
i threw the chicken bones in the sink,
and .....

left my plate in the trash can.

THANK YOU THANK YOU!
that's all for today's update on Athena's prevailing sense of sense.

2009-08-10T01:41:00.003+08:00

'there's nothing to be afraid of,
virtual reality will rehabilitate your mind, and eventually your body.
you'll be alright, i promise.
just concentrate.
don't worry.
put trust in music.'

aye to that.

2009-08-07T08:59:00.002+08:00

dear emotions,
please don't fuck around with my mind.
just because i have allowed you to take the reins of my life,
does not mean you can do whatever the heck you want.
i know you're triggered by hormones, and i know that for now,
they're running around bloody wild.
but heck, it's getting annoying.
so stop putting bullshit in my head.
thank you.

sincerely,
athena.

2009-08-03T13:46:00.002+08:00

i am very bloody fuckin annoying.
especially when i get high.
when i get high and angry.
yesterday's mood swings was bizzare.
i don't think i can ever look back without cringing at what i said or did ytd.
alcohol and PMS do not go well together.

ugh. i can't believe the words that came out of my mouth,
and i definitely can't believe i treated Shadiq that way.
babe, you don't deserve that, and i hope it'll never happen again.
i know it's a small matter, but it's a big deal to me.
cause it shows that i can't control my bloody temper.
i'm sorry.
thank you for not giving up and just walking away.

i love you.

2009-08-01T23:23:00.003+08:00

how simple.

i miss you.
even though it has only been three days since we last met.
i think about you all the time
i think about your wonderful radiance with every beat of my heart.

your smile.
your twinkling eyes.
i don't ever want to commit any wrong,
i don't ever want to jeopardize what we have.
because i want to live life like this, til the day i die.
to put it simply,
i love you.

2009-08-01T19:12:00.002+08:00

infuse yourself into the music, move as one body.
let go of the steering wheel and raise your arms
watch the wind tease your hair into wild bunches
the sun is setting painting golden highlights onto the mountaintops
push the accelerator recklessly feel the jolt the electricity running through your veins
as the speed as the velocity drains your exhaustion and pumps ecstatic vibrations
let's rev the gear another level

let's crash.

2009-07-21T03:31:00.002+08:00

underneath your eye lids, there is a special place.
they call it, the land of dreams
i call it, beauty.

swirls of past speculations
brought to life by vivid paintings
the artist is back and is here to stay
don't worry everything is going to be fine, love
because everything is fine, love

inhale deeply and exhale slowly
don't fight the darkness
allow your eyelids to droop
because everything is fine, love

this stream is filled with magic
is it water or is it smoke
dip your feet in take a break have a cigarette
let the warmth wash your pain your weariness
let the mystery revive you with vigour
your soul is old but your spirit is new

twirl around and raise your arms
laugh out loud and twinkle like a star
sprinkle dust onto those who have given up
you are their only hope
my only hope.

2009-07-21T02:18:00.002+08:00

when you look at me, the world vanishes,
and i am left in a circle of dreams, set right in the middle of reality.

*

i still cannot believe, i am on this rollercoaster ride with you.
only it's not so jerky, not so violent.
the track leads upwards, all the way.
smooth and steady.
this is what i have always wanted, all my life.
for something peaceful and quiet.

when we dance.
when we kiss.
when we hug.
when we smile.
the aura radiates for miles,
calm and serene.

i have not been this happy for this long;
truly, brilliantly estastic.

it doesn't matter that we don't have much.
it doesn't matter what they say.
it doesn't matter that time isn't always on our side.
i don't need anything more from you.
i don't want anything more.
i am contented, just by having you by my side.

<3

2009-07-12T18:37:00.002+08:00

chocolates
chocolates on my mind
chocolates in my head
chocolates on my tongue
chocolates in my throat
chocolates in bed
chocolates up ahead
chocolates chocolates chocolates.

ahahahhahaha.
i've lost my head...

to chocolates.

2009-07-10T11:58:00.002+08:00

ROOTS ROCK REGGAE!
loads of beer, loads of screaming laughter, loads of pretty girls,
loads of drunk boys, and loads of love.

i love the both of them, to bits, pieces, bras and thongs.

with you, i am finally happy.

2009-07-08T13:48:00.001+08:00

you were a mistake. a huge one.
i wish i have never met you.

2009-06-30T14:29:00.003+08:00

the difference between right and wrong has been erased.
if it is wrong to watch porn, what makes it right, to watch films with 'artistic nudity'?
who and what defines it to be artistic, and the right to watch?
why the necessity to bare all in a movie? isn't it so much more better, to allow the audience to
imagine the scene, the images?

we find ourselves being asked questions, even our own consciousness has doubts about.
the world is indeed changing.
it has become contaminated, with 'liberation rights', with 'freedom of speech'.
what do you know about those two phrases anyways?
that we're all allowed to do whatever the hell we want, without thinking of consequences?
there are limits to everything, isn't there?
or has the evolution of mankind's thought process really changed?
til all that we do, is right, as long as we can justify our actions?

let's not lose ourselves too much, shall we.
after all, heaven and hell is on earth.
and from the way i see it, hell is upon us.

2009-06-29T14:11:00.002+08:00

and as We dance around like fools on redbull.
as We fall asleep in the most uncomfortable position.
as We stare at each other, without words being spoken.
as We entertain each other, with bloody nonsensical talk.
as We stay true to ourselves.

as We, will always be you and me.

2009-06-26T12:45:00.004+08:00

this is what i do at work.
something i do all the time;

be a kid.

2009-06-22T02:34:00.003+08:00

and now i mourn.
i mourn for my band.
for when it died, a year ago. i died along with it.
i miss my band. my family of boys.

we used to make beautiful sounds.

2009-06-22T00:42:00.003+08:00

WOOOOOT!
1,001th entry!
cheers blogspot! you've been my truest friend all this while.

i am happy i am happy i am happy!
not contented.
but HAPPY.
truly wonderfully happy.
=D =D
i don't even know why i am happy.
i just am.
maybe because my job is AWWHSUMMMMM.
or maybe because bali is really gonna bloody fucking happen this year.
or maybe or maybe

MAYBE I JUST AM HAPPY CAUSE LIFE IS WHUNDERFULLLLLL.
i'm in love with the letter H.
cause it's just EXHHHHCELLENT!!!!
fuck.
i've gone wonky.
i truly have lost my mind.

but it's OK! it's ALRIGHT!
cause i am HHHHHAAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYYYYY!

thank you sun.
thank you clouds.
thank you rain.
thank you trees.
thank you earth.
thank you God.
thank you.

CHEERS TO LIFE!
TO HAPPINESS!
TO PEACE!
TO BEEEEEEE-EWWWWW-TIIIIII-FULLLLLLL MUSIC (www.myspace.com/ef)

AND TO YOU!

2009-06-20T16:18:00.004+08:00

i feel like a vampire.
coming out at night, only to be back home before the sun rises.
but this is great, i am not bumming around like a stupid fuck anymore.
i only hope i have enough strength to last.

i am determined.
by december, i will be there.
i will be in the land of paradise.
the land of peace.

2009-06-19T00:31:00.002+08:00

ngengeng.

i find quiet serenity in you.
and i like it.
there's no drama.
no insecurities.
no problems.

at all.

that's what i need.
thank you.

2009-06-17T17:20:00.002+08:00

this idiot is currently in europe, so obviously before he left,
we had to camwhore.
=D

and meet up with the d clan and the darling girls @cuscaden.
from strangers, to friends.
i love bringing people closer.
hahahahh!

we had our own little party in the back of the van with Razi driving us all home.

Bali boy became the bouncer of the van

today, tomorrow and forever, i will smile.

2009-06-17T16:45:00.003+08:00

there is peace
save for the smallest of ripples
but i am not bothered by them
i am alright here
really i am

look into the mirror
what do you see now, after weeks of misery
after months of anxious anticipation
the worry lines are gone, replaced by twinkling eyes
don't ever stop the music, don't ever pause the enchantment
this liberation is all that i have ever wanted
lift your arms and soar through the clouds
savour the warmth on your back
swirl around with the sensuous smoke
close your eyes and devour the moment.

this moment.
of peace.
i am finally at peace.

2009-06-16T00:55:00.001+08:00

PIG PIG PIG PIG PIG
SWINE
YOU STUPID SWINE
STOP EATING OR YOU WILL ROT IN MISERY
PIG PIG PIG!!!!

2009-06-14T23:43:00.002+08:00

i hold secrets
huge black gaping secrets that threatens to spill
it is not as simple as you make it to be
but maybe this is as simple as i want it to be
we can run around in circles
we can mirror image our smiles
we can pretend that everything is fine

along the way we stumble, tumble, crumble
so the story, the epic story states
the horrendous mess we got ourselves in
you and me we don't collide
we never have not once in this five years
why can't you comprehend that

you and me we don't collide
we don't.

2009-06-12T15:00:00.003+08:00

i am jobless, i am useless, i am hopeless, i am cashless
it's crashing down on top of me, a sick sad little quiet desperation
what do you want from me
i cannot give you more not until i can give myself more
all i want to do is to work
is to get away from this lifestyle
this isn't suitable not at all
i am not used to bumming like a stupid fuck
it hurts
alot
being sucked into a huge gaping hole
hurts
alot

2009-06-04T14:18:00.000+08:00

Needing a reason for being stuck in this seemingly
Demeaning whirlwind of ride with you. Oh yea I do.
Longer then faster I try to decide what you’re after.
A disaster. Is that what you put me through?
Oh yea you do.

I’m not free love.
So when you leave take the time you need.
Cause I’ll be gone.
So don’t come to me and beg to plead

You’re about to say

Searching for truth in this twisted environment.
I can’t believe that I once was inspired by you.
But I’ll be ok.
Poetry means nothing when you love me and leave.
You can disappear one day then wear your heart on your sleeve.
Do you know what I’m worth?
What do you see?

You’re about to say
Hmm I don’t wanna know. I don’t wanna know.
I don’t wanna fall to pieces. I don’t wanna fall at all so

Go Away
Just go
I don’t wanna fall anymore.

2009-05-28T23:17:00.002+08:00

good on ya mate, good on ya.
fraterinizing with old news aren't we? what happened to starting anew?
building up new contacts?
oh that's right.
you're lost! so where have you gone? to a place where there are greener pastures?
or are you still stuck in the same damned rut?
either way, don't confuse me with someone who cares.
did i give you that impression? i am so sorry, love, didn't mean to.
i'd love to shoot you, just that i do not believe in killing you.
why should i?

it's so much more exhilirating this way.

2009-05-27T16:51:00.003+08:00

I HATE YOU

2009-05-27T01:33:00.002+08:00

i do not judge, but i observe, and analyse.
and i analyse that all this is anal.

sorry for being selfish, but i am not interested in letting anyone else in my life, than those i already have.
sorry for being a bitch, but what you did was wrong, was stupid, was fucking bullshit.
sorry for being unforgiving, but i don't like repeating mistakes, and that was no different.
sorry for being irrational, but i have to save myself before i fall furthur into hidden traps.
sorry for lying, or so you might think, but sometimes, truths hit you rather suddenly.

and this truth, states that i am through.
go away.
before i turn into a monster.

2009-05-24T13:48:00.001+08:00

byebyebye.
it is clear you want to be with your friends.
it is clear where your priority lies.
it is clear i am sick and tired of this.
is it clear i just want to focus.
on me.

2009-05-21T04:06:00.003+08:00

i cannot cannot cannot do this now
or
anymore
for that matter.

2009-05-16T15:40:00.001+08:00

i want to start skateboarding, again.

2009-05-15T15:09:00.002+08:00

shrouded black without any sign of freedom
this dome is fucked up, screwed up
it's structure traps, hides, suffocates every living organism
into a tortured state of hyperventilation.

psychadelic spirals captivates you strengthening its hold
smoke patterns hypnotising the flashing lights
you see infront of your closed eyelids.

bizzare?
entirely.

2009-05-11T17:26:00.002+08:00

because sometimes we need to be narcissistic

but hello Andy!

if you are reading this, thank you for being such a great friend.
i can't wait to embark on our next adventure.
=D

2009-05-09T00:37:00.003+08:00

honestly, i am annoyed.
very fucking annoyed with the whole world right now.
excluding my mother.
i CANNOT STAND another minute of stupid unnecessary drama and nonsense.
i do not appreciate being woken up incessantly, especially when i am sick.
and i clearly do not like being blamed for something, that is so obvious, so mandatory, so simple.
but, i most definitely AM NOT your suicide hotline, where you hang up on me, if you feel like it.
there is a simple thing, called respect.
good god, give me a break.

at this moment of time, with my state of mind, i do not have, need or want anybody to be by my side.
so leave me alone.
before i scream bloody murder.

2009-05-06T03:48:00.000+08:00

haven't ya'll heard?
go away!
get lost!
fuck off!

2009-04-30T03:52:00.003+08:00

i am afraid of what i am going to do
i am afraid i will fail
but i am going to stay strong
i am afraid that i will never come back
i am going to be alone
all alone
in a place i can hardly remember going
but i am going to stay strong

*

2009-04-27T03:35:00.003+08:00

float amongst the dust spirals towards rainbows
each tear is filled with emotions a spectrum of insolent memories
walk forward a step each look up and breathe
spin twirl dance
run

find yourself find God
find

Athena.

2009-04-25T04:06:00.001+08:00

I'M SUPER FUCKING TIRED OF SINGAPORE.
i need to get away.
far far away, and not come back.

2009-04-25T03:24:00.002+08:00

accelerate and brake
don't forget to shift the gear
there we go
here we are
a car crash
standing on a highway
you are not awake yet
not awake yet
nothing is tangible

so open your eyes and see,
the things God has presented to you.

which is....

me.

2009-04-22T18:10:00.002+08:00

you're a fucking crazy bitch.

so i've been told.